her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
