i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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