I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
