well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
