I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
