he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
