dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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