Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
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