I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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