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Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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