I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize