Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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