I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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