if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
