College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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