the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dear god my vagina.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
