in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
