wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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