I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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