your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
