we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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