you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
