I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
