i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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