Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
