FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
