My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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