ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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