I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize