Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize