Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
