Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
