I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
