Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
