So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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