I accidentally burped into my bong.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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