did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
