My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
