Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
