just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
