I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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