I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
