dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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