Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
