Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
