did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
