Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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