that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I checked into jail on foursquare
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
