Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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