someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize