As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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