i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
