it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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