I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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